Review: Errant Pen Lid, Red

On test, pushed some of our testers beyond the realms of rational thought

What’s being tested?

The second red pen lid you’ve found in less than a week.

What we found

Pros: Our testers found that there were no benefits to finding a red pen lid without at least some knowledge of the whereabouts of its original pen partner, or being aware of a lidless red pen in the vicinity. Seeing a red pen lid reunited with the actual red pen it was betrothed to is a truly wonderful thing.

Cons: Implies at least two red pens without proper cappage; alternatively, implies that you’ve lost the same pen lid twice, unless the first pen lid found was subsequently stored in a secure environment, if not reunited with its parent pen. Intensely irritating; implies that someone, at some point, has used a red pen, which rails against conventional thinking on the subject.  Being incredibly specific in its application, a red pen lid holds no other function than lidding red pens; a subsequent, additional red pen cap increases the amount of lidless red pens required. Simply disposing of the pen lid results in the almost instantaneous appearance of its parent red pen, which our testers found engendered a terrible sense of frustration and regret in the disposee.

Verdict

If you’re able to rejoin both pen and pen lid, we would recommend this, as the feeling is almost intensely satisfying. Otherwise, there is little to be said for a solitary red pen cap, other than cuss words and unpleasant hand gestures. Many of our testers became extremely prejudiced towards the loose lids, blaming them for several non-sequiter situations, like the poor trade in value received for Vauxhall Corsas over a year old, and the growing unrest over the increasing fictionalisation of grammar groups. Avoid.

Review: Horse Hero

Heroic horse in his everyday horse disguise

What’s being tested?

A normal horse who answered the call of justice.

What we found

Pros: Entirely selfless; wields incredible power in all hooves. Walks among us without fear of recognition, as he is a master of horse disguises. Very much his own horse. Has a strong sense of justice and fair play. Pays a respectable amount of tax, despite being a horse. Immune to vice.

Cons: You can never tell when he’ll appear, though you can always rely on him; often struggles with the burden that his heroism places upon him. A weakness for sugar cubes; has made many enemies; female horses will find it difficult not to get emotionally involved. Easily spooked by television sets and rolled up newspapers.

Verdict

When our testers hear the wind blow, they swear that they can hear the confident whinny of this heroic horse, not to mention the peaceful slumber of all of the appreciative citizens he’s helped through these troubled times. Canter on, horse.

Review: You Can’t Remember Why You Bought The Digital Photoframe You Bought

Note: Some frames may accidently upload your pictures to facebook anyway

Note: Some frames may accidently upload your pictures to facebook anyway

What’s being tested?

The elusive applications for that 7” digital photo frame (that cost you £124.99) that were so abundant prior to your receipt of the product.

What we found

Pros: We found that the idea that there was at some point a valid, or even creative, reason for buying a digital photo frame to be a source of some encouragement. A minority of our testers were glad to have somewhere to display their photographs, negating the implicit obligation to upload them to a tedious social networking site.

Cons: Many of our testers found the notion that they bought something for reasons that they could no longer remember felt anything from mildly embarrassing to deeply disturbing; almost all of them expressed the opinion that, while the money spent could obviously be reclaimed via receipt and re-designated (to anything from plastic anime statuettes to “make-your-own-bread” bread makers), the act of reclamation would only exacerbate the feeling of failing as a responsible, informed and empowered consumer, and that it would be easier to source alternative, albeit tenuous, applications for the digital frame.

Verdict

We expected the notion that there was, at some point, an actual reason for buying a digital photo frame to be a source of some conciliation for anyone who’s ever owned one of the things. Our tests proved that this idea only made the ownership of such technology all the more baffling, especially given that all previous reasoning had disappeared. A large minority of our testers were left feeling duped, suckered, or the victims of an elaborate ruse, with one of our technicians describing the frame salesman as a “rube”. While we felt this was a strong choice of words, we couldn’t not agree.