Review: The Inability to Delete That ‘Crystal Maze’ Application From Your Phone

Not in game footage.

What’s being tested?

The apparent difficulty in removing from your phone a poorly and some would say cynically developed and produced game application based on the popular 80’s adventure game show ‘The Crystal Maze’.

What we found

Pros: Many of our testers cited a subconscious desire for value for money as their primary deletion deterrent, and, what with the inevitably dreadful puzzle logic and the frustrating failure of the basic control mechanism, this end goal had yet to be realised. A minority claimed that, upon deletion, they would only end up buying the game again anyway, either as a result of convincing themselves, over time, that the application wasn’t riddled with problems, was actually quite fun, represented a serious challenge, and perhaps contained a skill benchmark that had to be worked towards, or alternatively because the theme tune was fun. Either way, it was felt that the game’s terrible enduring  presence would guard against any misguided sympathetic revisionism, and act as a warning against purchasing other novelty nostalgia based acquisitions in the future. A small minority of those who tested the game stated that they disliked admitting to having been so easily and comprehensively hoodwinked by a picture of Richard O’Brian, and were actively pretending to like the game to spite the developers.

Cons: The refusal to remove the application means the permanent loss of the amount of drive space that it requires to run on your phone. Some of our testers suggested acquiring a handset with a larger storage capacity when upgrading, to cope with any such instances of misguided nostalgia based application purchase in the future. It was felt that said solution was a terrifying reflection of the mindset of those who pay for 80’s game show-themed games, and that the refusal to give up on £2.45, for whatever reason, could have some frightening consequences. Also not deleting the offending application may ultimately result in the user, over time, coming to associate their phone with that application. This association may spread even further, until the purchaser him/herself is ultimately associated with the ‘Crystal Maze’ application.

Verdict

On balance, we found that life, being as it is, is only ever as good as we want it to be when the positive experiences are tempered by the melancholy. Admitting that the £2.45 spent on an opportunistic and even potentially spiteful ‘Crystal Maze’ game is a dead loss is a difficult thing to do, but the general opinion of our testers was that, sooner or later, an application would come along that would erase all the bad memories and feelings of guilt and betrayal, and reward those who refused to dwell on the past and continued to look to the horizons for adventure.

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