Review: Fake Philip Schofield

Pictured, the Fake Schofield connecting to the internet via WiFi

What’s being tested?

Philip Schofield’s nigh-on identical and practically undetectable body-double stand in, and the ramifications of using that body double stand in to stand in for Philip Schofield.

What we found

Pros: Our testers found it almost impossible to ascertain which Schofield was Copy Schofield, and it was subsequently established that the stand-in successfully replicated the Philip Schofield experience for a markdown in costs of at least 45%. Fake Schofield is apparently easy to store, and won’t cause the same problems in application as a similar Schofield stand-in brought from the past, future or alternate timeline would cause.

Cons: Fake Schofield must hunt geese in 7 hour rotation windows or suffer catastrophic internal lockdown – additionally, the geese must be wild, and as such given a suitable amount of time to acclimatise to wherever Fake Schofield has been deployed. The use of the Simulcrum Schofield has often caused problems when True Schofield has been sighted in a civilian environment at the same time, with many of our testers, despite knowing of the existence of the Schofield copy, calling into question the authenticity and integrity of live television itself. A small minority of our testers conveyed feelings of anxiety when confronted with the idea that the real Philip Schofield was ‘about’, and not safely on television. Finally, it was posited that if True Schofield saw ‘himself’ on television, it would trigger a titanic existential crisis, and any realities brought into being and subsequently supported by the sheer force of Schofield’s will would be in jeopardy.

Verdict

Our testers found that, while Fake Philip Schofield was a cheap and efficient alternative to using Actual Philip Schofield in a light entertainment context, he remained a high risk proposition, and the ramifications of both Schofields crossing (and the resultant instability) could not be ignored. It is therefore our recommendation that the Doppelganger Schofield be placed in storage, or returned to his family.

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