Review: ‘Celebrations’ Mars Bars

Pictured, C-grade confections, not all on test

What’s being tested?

The inevitable surplus of Celebration-grade ‘Mars’ confections, usually evidenced in the twilight phases of a Celebration-grade gift-receptacle.

What we found

Pros: Our testers found that the Celebration (C) grade confections provided the same spectrum of nutrients as Fun Size (FS), Regular (R), Competition (Co) and Share Size (SS) grade Mars sweets, albeit at a reduced level. Nevertheless, it was felt that C grades could provide a temporary alternative to any of the aforementioned grades, were they not available. Many of testers mentioned that they felt bigger when consuming C grades, with ‘giants’ and ‘giant people’ being a common unit of measurement. Being able to fit more than 3 C grades in your mouth at one time was hailed as a positive, as it would reduce the effects of a typical R grade deficit by however many C grades were orally consumed, as well as reducing the overall negative aesthetic of loads of C grades just banging about at the bottom of the gift-receptacle.

Cons: Given that the C-grade inhabits the broader realm of leisure-gift confectionary, it contributes to a relatively low aspirational experience. A degree of our testers felt that eating the Mars C-grade felt appropriate to sitting in your unkempt back garden on a sunny day in your underwear, or drinking alcohol in the small hours of Tuesday morning in an untidy living room with the curtains open, especially when C-grade confections were deployed in a celebratory context. A common observation was that the Mars C-grade felt particularly depressing to eat as the garish novelty highlights of the larger C-grade experience, most notably the Galaxy Truffle and Malteaser ‘Teaser, had been all but exhausted, barring oversight or wrapper anomaly. Augmenting this dark attitude was the sharp reality that beyond the buffer of Mars C-grades lay, in almost all cases on test, only C-grade Topics.

Verdict:

In isolation, the Mars C-grade was found to be a not unpleasant confection, and a satisfactory miniature heir to its R-grade predecessor. Unfortunately, we also found that the C-grade was almost universally associated with an air of melancholy and wistfulness, with its consumption considered a singularly lonely experience, even in a communal environment. A solution could be to regulate the mastication of its associate C-grades in favour of the Mars, perhaps with a rotational timetable with each confection arranged in order, thus making the C-grade on test part of a wider experience, as opposed to it remaining in its current state of segregation. As it stands, we could not recommend the Mars C-grade confection for deployment in anything other than an isolated environment, with the curtains drawn.

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