Review: Magical Sentient Economy Snow Shovel

Note: Relationship depicted as currently in the post-magical, pre-bitterness phase

What’s being tested?

The fateful decision to draw an amusing face upon grandfather’s rickety old snow shovel, which, one magical winter’s evening, is given life by virtue of an unspecified ‘Christmas Miracle’ scale event.

What we found

Pros:

Our testers found that this particular circumstance gifted them an almost premium level of dependency on the part of the newly sentient snow shovel, almost certainly a level of dependency not recently experienced by a man/woman taken to drawing amusing faces on season-specific gardening tools. In addition to this, this new responsibility costs relatively little to satisfy, beyond the occasional varnishing of the wood handle, and a good dry-off. It was also found that discovering a freshly alive snow spade not only represents a consistently amusing and interesting anecdote on a social level, but also extends to the level of the multi-media franchise, with opportunities for marketing the relationship in cartoons, small-scale merchandising and self-help books. A significant degree of our testers even felt that the presence of a living scoop validated the ideal that ‘anything can happen’, which subsequently endowed them with a sense of confidence hitherto unknown in lonely members of the faces-on-tools community.

Cons:

The aforementioned boost in confidence in ‘limitless possibilities’ could still be misplaced, especially if the subject (previously taken to drawing faces on snow shovels) applies for a relationship with someone beyond his/her conversational or financial means. The shovel itself is likely to display significantly high spirits or even ‘chipperness’ which, in certain circumstances (after the rejection of a relationship application, for example) could prove most unwelcome. The snow shovel could also be at risk, depending upon the circumstances it is born into – it’s new owner may not be emotionally mature enough to deal with the responsibilities of looking after another sentient being, or may be of an unsound or unsavoury disposition. Our experts also found that the spade runs the risk of being discovered by a shady government bureau, before being abducted and cruelly tested upon in order to discern the root of its magical origin and secrets. This can be a source of stress for both shovel and owner.

Some of our testers even suggested that they became reluctant to draw anything resembling a face on anything else, lest it should be granted life by another unlikely deus ex machina. Many also experienced a deep level of frustration and even remorse upon realising that the ‘miracle’ that brought their new snow spade friend to life could have been better deployed elsewhere,  in answering the prayers of a starving homeless child, or a refugee from a foreign conflict, for instance. A source of mild irritation was recognised in the form of the obligation to buy another non-sentient snow shovel.

Verdict

Our testers found that, while their magical friend initially brought a new found sense of wonder and enchantment into their lives, this wonder/enchantment inevitably became commonplace, whereupon the terrifying prospect of living with a upbeat talking spade who would always be dependent on them became stark  and obvious. Our experts therefore recommend never wishing for anything that cannot be provided for by known science, and advise steering clear of whatever has the potential to be both whimsical and miraculous.

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