Spontaneous Intermediate Performance Grade “Knee Lift” Dance Manoeuvre

Pictured: the chilling consequences of a failed Knee-Lift manoeuvre

What’s being tested?

The spontaneous decision to engage in a risky Knee-Lift dance manoeuvre while performing a coordinated rhythmic gyration (or dance) during a Social Plus category event (for example, a situation where people who would not normally socialise together are requested to socialise together, such as a company party or funeral).

What we found

Pros: Our testers found that, if performed correctly, a successful Knee-Lift manoeuvre opens up a broad spectrum of Standard, Support and Special class follow-on dance moves, most notably the Grounded Knee-Shake, the Paddington’s Way thigh thrust, and the Shimmy Mystery Special. The subsequent completion of any one of these moves was found to considerably augment the sense of masculine prowess already created by the initial Knee Lift, though the moves themselves are considered only for the intermediate performer at the very least.

A successfully performed Knee Lift has been known to both deter aggressors and attract potential mates, especially if deployed at the right time (specifically the post-buffet, two-drinks-plus phase of the evening). Additionally, some Knee Lifts have been known to create small concentrated bursts of kinetic energy when the kneecap is at its peak, a burst that has various offensive and defensive practicalities.

We also found that a chain of knee lifts, while even more difficult to perform, could have a profoundly positive effect on the dance-floor, depending on the location, condition and attendance of said dance-floor. A chain of 4 knee lifts engendered strong curiosity in anyone who bore witness to it, while a run of 7 or more generally sparked similar chains or chain attempts in the ‘audience’. Knee chaining is officially acknowledged to have significant positive psychological benefits for those who either attempt or witness one, and many experienced chainers, with state funding, have since turned professional.

Cons:

We found that almost all of the positive effects of the spontaneous Knee Lift are subject to the individual performing the lift fundamentally knowing what he or she is doing, through either previous experience or professional training. Performing any kind of knee lift without prior instruction is dangerous and irresponsible – both the physical exertion and the direction of the limb lifted are uncommon, and can easily cause injury to either the individual or bystanders. Additionally, the appropriate stretching exercises required to even adequately perform the manoeuvre have most likely not been completed prior to its deployment (what with the act by its very nature being spontaneous). As previously mentioned, any subsequent moves following on from the Knee Lift are far beyond the average amateur, and in some cases even more hazardous to perform that the previous move. A poorly executed lift may provide both short and long-term amusement for any 3rd parties present, but the individual who attempted the move may suffer serious physical or even mental stress as a result.

Conversely, if performed successfully, a well executed knee lift can make the individual an intimidating dance-partner prospect, and may discourage future dance partnerage. Also, if such a complex step is proficiently performed too early in the individual’s ensemble, it may serve to unbalance the rest of the routine, with similar or even more impressive manoeuvres expected – manoeuvres outwith the individual’s normal skill bracket.

Verdict

Our labs found a successfully executed Knee Lift dance manoeuvre to be the stuff of corporate-function legend, with those few bold and brilliant enough to tame the act celebrated in increasingly embellished anecdotes forevermore. However, known and corroborated examples of a well-performed lift in the wild are rare to none-existent, especially in Social Plus category contexts. While the act on test is already technically in progress and cannot be practically rescinded, we found the fateful inevitability of the outcome of the endeavour served as an effective warning to all who may be instinctually inclined to attempt such a feat. As such, while we would not recommend the Knee Lift to anyone as a centrepiece for their party repertoire, we would encourage that, if an individual should be spotted initiating such a move, you pay close attention, and stand well back.

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