Review: Brewster Bear

pictured: the bear mascot, minus his t-shirt, enjoying a pie

What’s on Test: The merits of making a feral bear in a t-shirt the figurehead and CE of your pub and restaurant chain.

What we found:

Pros: We felt that, while it may not necessarily have good business instincts, the hunting and paternal instincts of the brown Kodiak are some of the finest in the animal kingdom. With the Brewster chain’s emphasis on family dining predominant at the time of Brewster Bear’s tenure as mascot and chief executive of the company, such instincts sit at the core of the brand. Brewster will also observe the annual hibernation period experienced by his bear brethren, which lasts approximately a third of a year, making it significantly less lengthy than the hibernation period experienced by most other CE’s.

Our testers also recognised that, by doubling up on mascot and CE roles, Brewster represents good value for money. He will not require a company car, and his preference of residing in the woods and eating people who stray into that woodland means he is unlikely to cost much in lodgings and expenses on business trips. The bear, being a bear, will also be less likely to let you down, compared to leading human industry mascots, such as Michael Winner and The Hamburgler.

Cons:  We found that Brewster Bear does not wear trousers, which poses several problems, not least in terms of workplace appropriateness. While he is unlikely to ever be involved in any sexual harassment suit (preferring as he does to eat human women rather than mate with them), the disregard he shows for a formalised office dress code may serve to undermine discipline and the respect needed for any management structure to be effective.

Our testers also felt that Brewster would be unable to fullfill many of his duties as mascot, most notably his obligation to appear at children’s parties, as bears have no patience for the chuckling and chatting of human children. Brewster would also have to be kept in the dark as to the existence of the Brewster Bear Ice Cream Factory, as coming into contact with the dessert machine would see him literally eat into company profits, and also most likely kill him.

Finally, many of our testers were disappointed that the advent of Brewster as figurehead would inevitably mean the decommissioning of the Charlie Calk entertainment property as the children’s menu ambassador, largely as it would make the hazy, absurd sounding memories of the television show even more difficult to prove and, as such, deleterious to ones confidence in one’s own memory.

 Verdict: While, at time of writing, Brewster Bear is no longer figurehead of the Brewsters pub empire, we felt that the lessons learnt from his tenure are still relevant. Leaving a bear in charge of the financial runnings of a corporation may be represent sound business logic (as bears are rarely personally motivated by personal greed or the desire for individual financial stability), but his well publicised dalliances into his own kitchens were ruinous, and his hatred of duck and failure to control his debilitating honey urges brought shame on the franchise. However, the bear himself remains at large, and if you can keep him out of the limelight, he may well be a sound investment, provided you remain felxible with regards to underwear and are not Centreparks.

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